


A Very Halfblood Musical

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: A Very Potter Musical - Freeform, Crack, F/M, M/M, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, some of these cast choices don't even make any sense, utter crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-23 03:32:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3752926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically a re-write of AVPM with Percy Jackson characters, inspired by the bromance between Percy and Jason. Featuring bisexual arrogant Jason, OOC Nico, pining Piper, sidekick Percy, BAMF Annabeth, Quirrelmort/Luke x Kronos, Frank as a clumsy Draco Malfoy, gay Leo, and basically tons as comedy.</p><p>Songs are in italics, talking is in regular font</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act 1, Scene 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Very Hetalia Musical](https://archiveofourown.org/works/957642) by [SlytherinPirate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinPirate/pseuds/SlytherinPirate). 



> Cast List:  
> Jason Grace- Harry Potter  
> Percy Jackson- Ron Weasley  
> Annabeth Chase- Hermione Granger  
> Piper McLean- Ginny Weasley  
> Frank Zhang- Draco Malfoy  
> Kronos- Lord Voldemort  
> Leo Valdez- Albus Dumbledore  
> Luke Castellan- Quirinus Quirrell  
> Reyna Avila Ramírez-Arellano- Severus Snape  
> Rhea- Bellatrix Lestrange  
> Will Solace- Cedric Diggory  
> Nico di Angelo- Cho Chang  
> Neville Longbottom  
> Drew Tanaka- Lavender Brown  
> Thalia- Gregory Goyle  
> Hazel Levesque- Luna Lovegood  
> Rachel- Seamus Finnegan  
> 

_Act 1_  
_Scene 1_

_Jason: Underneath these stairs_

_I hear the sneers and feel the glares_

_of my father, my stepmother, and my friend._

_I_ _can’t believe how cruel they are,_

_and it stings my battle scars_

_to know they’ll never ever give me what I want!_

_I know I don’t deserve these stupid rules_

_made by the gods while I live in Camp Jupiter!_

_I can’t take all of these muggles,_

_but despite all of my struggles,_

_I’m still alive!_

_I’m sick of summer and this waiting around._

_Man, it’s September so I’m skipping this town._

_Hey it’s no mystery, there’s nothing here for me now!_

_I gotta get back to Hogwarts! I_ _gotta get back to school!_

_I gotta get myself to Hogwarts! Where everybody knows I’m cool!_

_Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts!_

_To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts._

_It’s all that I love and it’s all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! I’m going back!_

_I’ll see my friends, gonna laugh ‘til we cry._

_Take my firebolt, gonna take to the sky._

_No way this year anyone’s gonna die,_

_and it’s gonna be totally awesome!_

_I’ll cast some spells with a flick of my wand._

_Defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on!_

_And do it all with my best friend Perce ‘cus together we’re totally awesome!_

_Percy: And it’s gonna be totally awesome!_

Did somebody say Seaweed Brain? Woo!!

Jason: What’s up, buddy?

[They hug]

Percy: Sorry it took me so long to get here, I had to go get some floopowder. But we gotta get going, come on, get your trunk, let's go!

Harry: Where are we going?

Percy: To Diagon Alley, of course!

Jason: Awesome!

Percy: Come on!

Both: Floopowder power! Floopowder power! Floopowder power!

_Percy: It’s been so long, but we’re going back!_

_Don’t go for work, don’t go there for class!_

_Jason: As long as we’re together-_

_Percy: Gonna kick some ass!_

_Jason: And it’s gonna be totally awesome!_

_This year we’ll take everybody by storm,_

_stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm!_

_Annabeth: Well let’s not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our OWLs!_

Percy: God, Annabeth. Why do yo have to be such a buzz kill?

Annabeth: Because, PERCY. School’s not all about having fun! We need to study hard if we want to be good witches and wizards! 

_Annabeth: I may be frumpy, but I’m super smart._

_Check out my grades, they’re A’s, for a start!_

_What I lack in looks, well, I make up in heart_

_and well guys that is totally awesome!_

_This year I plan to study a lot!_

_Percy: That would be cool if you were actually hot!_

_Jason: Hey Perce, come on. We’re the only friends that she’s got._

_Percy: And that’s cool._

_Annabeth: And that’s totally awesome!_

_All: Yeah it’s cool, and it’s totally awesome!_  
_We’re sick of summer and this waiting around._

_It’s like we’re sitting in the lost and found._

_Don’t take no sorcery, for anyone to see how!_

_We gotta get back to Hogwarts!_

_We gotta get back to school!_

_We gotta get back to Hogwarts!_

_Where everything is magic-cool!_

_Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts!_

_To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts._

_It’s all that I love and it’s all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! We’re going back!_


	2. Act 1, Scene 2

Piper: Perce! You're supposed to take me to Madame Malkin's with you and use those sickles you have for my robe fitting!

Jason: Who's this?

Percy: This is stupid dumb little sister Piper, she's a freshman. Pipes, this is Jace. Jason Grace.

Piper: Y-you're the son of Jupiter! The hero that cannot die!

Jason: Yeah, and you're Pipes.

Piper: It's Piper.

Piper: Cool. Pipes is fine.

Percy: Stupid sister! [Claps hands above Piper's head]

Piper: Aah!

Percy: Don't crowd the famous friend.

Annabeth: Do you guys hear music or something?

Jason: Music? What are you talking about?

Percy: Yeah, someone's coming.

Jason: Someone's coming.

[Nico, Lacey, and Drew walk in]

_All three: Nico! Domo arigato!_

_Gung, hey! Fat choy chang!_

_Happy happy new year! Nico!_

Percy: That's Nico di Angelo. That's the boy Jason's been totally in love with since freshman year.

Annabeth: Yeah, but Jace won't say anything to him.

Percy: Yeah, you never tell someone you like them, it makes you look like an idiot!

Piper: [to Drew] Konnichiwa, Nico. It is good to meet you! I am Piper McLean.

Drew: Bitch, like, I ain't Nico!

Alfred: That's Drew! [claps over Piper's head] Sexist sister! Sexist sister!

Nico: Hey! It's alright! I'm Nico, y'all.

Jason: He is totally perfect.

Percy: Yeah, too bad he's dating Will Solace though, huh?

Jason: What?! Who the Hell is Will Solace? What is that? Who is that guy?

[Will enters]

Will: _Nico!_

_I am so in love with Nico!_

_Nico! New York City to New Rome!_

_I sing my love aloud for Nico!_

[Will, Nico, Lacey, and Drew exit]

Jason: I hate that guy! I hate him!

Percy: [to Piper] So, are we gonna get these robes or not?

Piper: Okay, alright let's go!

Percy: God, brother! [Jason, Percy, Annabeth, and Piper exit. Phoebe, Thalia, and Grover enter.]

Thalia: Present your arm, nerd! [Grover puts out arm] Indian burn hex!

Grover: Aah! [Jason, Percy, Annabeth, and Piper reenter.]

Percy: It's the Artemis sisters.

Jason: Hey, why don't you leave Grover alone, huh?

Thalia: Well, well, well. If it isn't Jason Grace. You think all because you're famous, you can boss everyone around!

Jason: I just don't think it's cool for guys like you to be picking on guys like Grover! C'mon!

Thalia: Well you know what I think? I think glasses are for wimps! [takes Jason's glasses and breaks them] We hate wimps!

Phoebe: And nerds!

Jason: Oh my god...

Percy: You asked for it! You don't mess with Jason! He slayed a dragon when he was a baby!

Annabeth: Alright, everyone just calm down! [Walks up to Jason and points wand at his galsses] Oculus Reparo!

Jason: Woah, awesome!

Annabeth: Now let's leave these big, baby, childish wankers alone! [Frank enters]

Frank: Did someone say Frank Zhang?

Percy: What do you want, Zhang?

Frank: Thalia, Phoebe, be a pair and pay for my robes, will you? [Thalia and Phoebe exit.]

Frank: So, Grace! Back for another year at Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year you'll wise up and hang with a higher calibre of demigod.

Jason: Hey listen, Annabeth and Percy are my best friends in the whole world. I wouldn't trade them for anything!

Frank: Have it your way. [To Piper] Wait! Don't tell me! Dark unruly hair, hand me down robes, and a stupid complexion. You must be of the Elder Gods!

Percy: Oh my god, lay off, Zhang! She may be a pain in the ass, okay, but she's my pain in the ass.

Frank: Well isn't this cute? It's like a little loser family! Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs. Luckily next year, I'll be transferred to Pigfarts!

_Next year you'll bet, gonna get out of here._

_The reign of Frank Zhang is soon drawing near!_

_I'll have the greatest half blood career,_

_it's gonna be totally awesome!_

_Look out world, for the dawn of the day,_

_when everyone will do, whatever I say!_

_And Grace won't be in my way_

_and then I'll be the one who is totally awesome!_

_Thalia: Yeah you'll be the one who is totally awesome!_

Annabeth: Guys, come on! We're going to miss the train! [All students enter.]

_All: Who knows how fast this year's gonna go?_

_Hand me a glass let the ambrosia flow!_

Percy: Maybe at last-

Jason: I'll talk to Nico!

_Percy: Oh no, that'd be way too awesome!_

_All: We're back to learn everything that we can._

_It's great to come back to where we began._

_And here we are- so Alakazam!_

_Here we go, this is totally awesome!_

_Come on and teach us everything you know!_

_The summer's over and we're itching to go!_

_Grover: I think we're ready for- Leo Valdez!_

_All: Aaaaaaahhhh!_

_Leo: I welcoooooooooooooooooooooooooooome all of you to Hogwarts!_

_I welcome all of you to school!_

_Did you know that here at Hogwarts,_

_we've got a hidden swimming pool?_

_Welcome welcome welcome Hogwarts!_

_Welcome hotties, nerds, and tools!_

_Now that I've got you here at hogwarts-_

_I'd like to go over just a couple of rules._

I am Supreme Commander Leo Valdez and I am headmaster of Hogwarts. You can all call me Leo or Supreme Commander. I suppose you could also call me Repair Boy, if you want a detention. I'm just kidding- I'll expel you if you call me Repair Boy! [Leo exits.]

_All: Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts!_

_To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts._

_It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!_

_Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends._

_Gryffindors: To Gryffindor!_

_Hufflepuffs: Hufflepuff!_

_Ravenclaws: Ravenclaw!_

_Slytherins: Slytherin!_

_All: Back to the place where our story begins at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!_

_Leo: I'm sorry, what'd you say?_

_All: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!_

_Leo: I didn't hear you kids!_

_All: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!_

_Jason: Man, I'm glad I'm back!_


	3. Act 1, Scene 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I regret nothing.

Act 1

Scene 3

Leo: Yes, yes, welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts. And a very special welcome to my favourite student, Mr. Jason Grace. He killed Kronos when he was just a baby. He’s even got some little battle scars to prove it! And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Piper- excuse me, Ms. Piper McLean!

Piper: Yeah, I’m a girl, and um also, aren’t we supposed to be sorted by the sorting hat?

Leo: Well um funny thing happened to the sorting hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the scarf of sexual preference aren’t going to be back until next year. Basically I’ve just been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin, and the other two can just go to Hermes or wherever the Hell they want, I don’t care.

Will: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders.

Leo: What the Hell is a Hufflepuff? Anyway, it’s time now for me to introduce my very good friend and our own Potions Professor, Ms. Avila Ramírez-Arellano!

Percy: Oh man, not Avila Ramírez-Arellano! I hoped they’d fired that lady!

Piper: Why what’s wrong with Professor Avila Ramírez-Arellano?

Percy: Uh, nothing, she’s just, uh, evil?

[Reyna enters.]

Jason: Come on, Perce. He’s really not that bad, I don’t know what you’re talking about-

Reyna: Jason! Detention!

Jason: What?!

Reyna: For talking out of turn! Now before we begin, I’m going to give you all your very first pop quiz! Can anyone tell me what a portkey is? Yes, Ms. Chase.

Annabeth: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched would transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.

Reyna: Very good! Now, can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Ms. Chase.

Annabeth: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned early in the story to return later in a more significant way.

Reyna: Perfect.

Percy: Um, what’s a portkey, again? I missed that one.

Annabeth: Oh, a portkey is something that when you touch it it will transport you anywhere.

Percy: Oh, oh my god.

Reyna: And remember, a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object. Like a football, or a dolphin!

Drew: Professor, can like, a person be a portkey?

Reyna: No, that’s absurd. Because then if a person were to touch themselves [looks directly at Percy], they would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a horcrux.

Jason: What’s a, what’s a horcrux?

Reyna: I’m not even going to tell you, Grace, you’ll find out soon enough.

Percy: What is the point in this quiz?

Reyna: Oh, no no no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know! Especially you [points to audience]! Now, moving right along, there are four houses in all. Gryffindor-

Gryffindors: Whoo! Yeah!

Reyna: Ravenclaw-

Ravenclaws: Ow!

Reyna: Hufflepuff-

Will: Find!

Reyna: What? And Slytherin!

Slytherins: Ahh! *hissing noises*

Reyna: Now, traditionally, points are awarded for good behavior and deducted for rule-breaking. Example: Ten points from Gryffindor!

Gryffindors: What?

Reyna: For Ms. Chase’s excessive baby fat *pinches Annabeth’s cheeks*

Jason and Percy: Thanks, Annabeth.

Reyna: Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would get the house cup. However, this year we’re doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, Professor Castellan!

[Luke enters.]

Jason: Ow, ow! [Clutches at scar]

Luke: The house cup, did you say? A time honoured tradition. For centuries-

Frank: Go home, mortal!

Luke: For centuries, the four houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honour and glory of holding the title of house champion. But where does this competition come from, and what are the roots of the tradition?

Annabeth: The house cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.

Luke: That was a rhetorical question!

Leo: Chase, quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor!

Percy: Thanks, Arthur...

Luke: As I was saying, when the tournament first originated it was of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would compete in a series of dangerous tasks, challenges. The winner would not only win the cup, he would also win eternal glory.

Annabeth: Kind of like a Triwizard Tournament?

Luke: Yes, sort of like the Triwizard Tournament. Except, no, not like that at all. There are four houses, how can it be the TRIwizard Tournament with four teams?

Annabeth: Well, er, professor, if I remember correctly, the house cup tournament was disbanded after one semester when one of its students was killed during the first task.

Luke: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.

Annabeth: I don’t think you heard me, I just said somebody died!

Leo: Annabeth Chase, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 more points!

Jason and Percy: Thanks, Annabeth!

Leo: God, for the cleverest witch of your age, you really can be a dumbass sometimes. [Gryffindors laugh] Oh, 10 points to Team Leo!

Luke: Yes, yes well it will be very dangerous but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And, as a professor of the Defense Against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to-

[Kronos sneezes.]

Leo: Did your turban just sneeze?

Luke: What, what? No!

Leo: I could’ve sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction but your mouth wasn’t moving.

Luke: No, no. That was simply a fart. Excuse me.

[Kronos sneezes.]

Jason: Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, jeez! Ow ow ow!

Luke: I must be going!

[Kronos sneezes.]

Luke: I simply farted once more, excuse me!

[Luke exits.]

Leo: In compliance with the newly resurrected house cup, a champion from each house will be selected to compete! So, Reyna, would you like to do us the honours, please?

[Reyna enters, holding a golden cup.]

Reyna: Yes, Headmaster. First, from the Ravenclaw house, a mister Nico di Angelo.

Nico: Oh my god, I won! Can you believe that?

Reyna: And next from Hufflepuff, a mister Will Solace.

Will: Well I don’t FIND this to be very surprising at all.

Nico: I find it perfect! Now I get to spend more time with my beloved boyfriend!

Will: I’m glad as well, my darling. *kisses Nico on cheek*

Reyna: And next, from the Slytherin house, a Frank Zhang!

Frank: *stands up* Hah! Oh! I finally beat you, didn’t I, Jason? What do you think of that, huh? I’m the champion this time! *grabs Jason’s robes and falls to the floor*

Leo: Zhang would you sit down you little shit, champion’s just a title!

Frank: And finally, from the Gryffindor house... Oh my.. well isn’t this curious? The one person in all of Gryffindor who I seemingly hate with passion is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life.

Grover: I-if it’s me, I’ll just apologize to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing.

Reyna: Sit down, you inarticulate bumble! It’s Jason Grace!

Percy: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Leo: Well there they are, folks, the four Hogwarts champions! I want all of you to start preparing immediately, because the first task is in two months! And it could be anything. So let’s get to it!

**Author's Note:**

> Please give kudos and leave comments if you like it, and leave constructive criticism if you don't!


End file.
